…

if your reading this look away… this isnt for you…. i just came to realize.. the things that i have been feeling were real… i couldnt explain…logically… i couldnt remember for how long… but i guess i just felt it… its weird i know… i’d call it weird if it was me… but things have been surreal lately… i felt something that i’d thought i’d forgotten ….. a feeling that i thought i could live witohout… the same thing that for as long as i can remember we always talked about… how was it that the very same notion led me into this… i know for a fact that you have someone… i always thought that it could have been me… probably… but i guess i never was a man enough to tell it to you… and i feel sorry … i substitute that thing with something else… and for that as well i am sorry … i felt things …. things that i thought i could only write … it wouldnt be fair for you…. i couldnt blame you….guess i always come in to late …. i just was  thinking … it wouldnt matter anyway… im far from perfect… i am just me…hope you dont read this otherwise….

dark wooden doors from across this dream room. it exists as a testament to my indecisiveness. baricading the endless possibles that could have existed… that could have come true. if only i wasnt me … somehow it always falls on me the blame … the missing piece… the ending… those things that would have mattered…. everything… i scream .. and yet all still remains silent… i throw everything yet it still creeps back… i wanted to forget… i couldnt… i wanted to be rid of it all but i cannot….somehow this things are just making their way back into my pathetic existance… i want to end it… i really do… buti think these doors would still be there… right until the end…

i dont know what my problems is

its really not that complicated

no i think not

i think its just me

or maybe my wayof thinking

maybe somethings wrong

it could be

i dont relly know

but i think im figuring it out bit by bit

its taking me a while i know

but i think im on the right track

who knows this could be it

my ticket

out of this sad state of existance i call life

breath hard , breath deep,

taste it… feel it… live it..

its short.. remember.

now wake up!

how does it feel to be alive

to feel pain

to revel

to be lost

to feel isolated

yet

so much at home

yes we are back

we have missed you

that was quite a ride eh?

what have we learned then

apart from the oblivously obvious

not making any sense yes?

thats quite alright we understand perfectly

get over it

dont worry

we’ll be here

loose sight

be blinded

wander

but do not fear

the is always

a home

you can call

yours own.

isnt it funny that what you feel, feels fucked up? that what you do seems to just push everyone away? i could be just me or im overthinking it but it seems that way anyway.im geting sick of it, being so fucking passive about it, being unable tp do anything about,i guess this is what means to be desperate, looking at it from a different angle, i could say this is true love, why you ask? well you read it more than a million times true love last the test of time, that no matter what the other feel, like hate or avoid or whatever you, you still seem so godly optimistic that one day , hoping, maybe, she’d see a different you.fuck that, fuch her, oh god that just feels so fucking good, i mean i tried, i wanted to love her, but she wont love me back? i tried to be nice , but she’s trying so hard not to be one, bitching shit that i can comprehend mind you, faking every single damn thing that we could be friends, fuck that, i took hold of what i felt back then and tried to make it into something, i deconstructed myself to try and fit i dont mind, im that,  i’d do anything for her, thats how much i love her, that’s how much she means to me. she’s the one person that no matter how much she tramples over my pride is the person i deemed worthy, but it’s getting way pass that point. that im realizing im nothing more that a gnat ready to be swatted off at the slightest discomfort. maybe ne day i’d be able to look back at this and say she’s was my first that never made it. the one person i would have done everything for at a whim, but she never noticed,

i have no illusion

i know for a fact i would never be anything more this

although my heart has settled down

it still pulses with the thoughts f countless possiblities

of hope and full of admiration

bordering on edge of sanity

and endless pondering

why is like this

i should bury it and give its finallity

i guess this is love

or what i think it is

it’s been so long i can hardly remember,

what was it like to love someone?

to want to care for a person with all of what you have.

to see, watch, pray and hope

to see where all these things might lead

so gain something what could easily be the  most precious to you,

and to have others say that what you hope to achieve is the impossible

that it is hopeless

that it is in vain

dreaming a dream that no one can see but you

believing that this is your reality

or what you make of it

futility is what remains,

with an absolute burning pledge

with none other than my own

i will endure

till heaven split

and hell plummet

how long has it been since i last graced the pages of my blogs
for every word thats typed in it
every emotion that runs in it
all the best
and all the worst
i took a vacation
it took a stand still
i ran
it remained
conclusion after conclusions
how i missed it
and yet i know
i should dis it
how much more should i take
how soon can i be over it
petty disputes inside my head
should i or should i not
whether you believe or not
my love
my heart
the one i held for you
all these time
still runs and trickle
if only,
little by little
should it come to an end
i wish it would end with you

Only in writing am I able to say things I wouldn’t normally say. Here I write to tell everything. honestly here I can be me. To tell you the truth the true purpose of me writing this thing I write now is to say the things I wasn’t able to say. About the mixed feeling I’m feeling at this moment. I’m telling you now is I feel the love bursting out now. I had known for a fact that I am attracted to you since day one. Somehow I cant bring myself to admit it at first. I thought maybe, just maybe this was temporary. Like the stuff you see at the movies about a guy eyeing a girl for the first time then falling for her instantly without any sort of logical reason. I felt that. What I liked about you was the smile. In fact that was the sole spark that made me notice you in the first place. I thought that wasn’t enough so I took my time. When I came about to realize what I felt was true, I felt the urge. The gut feeling, leeching into my consciousness every waking moment of my life. But still I thought not yet. Then a dream came. Vivid as it came. I felt every moment of that dream materialize into reality. That is when I realize I truly loved you. I regret now why I didn’t act on it before. I realize someone’s already winning your heart over. The fact that I knew who that one is made it more painful. The sense of trying to find the real meaning of this whole thing is shadowed by the fact that everything I am trying to do was being negated. Circumstances as it may played against me, especially that time that I made a move. You didn’t react. I became volatile. Then I tried again, and again only to end up in a deeper hole. And like a poison mist it hung itself on me. I wouldn’t want it to end in bitterness but in reality it already did. I masked my sorrows with empty laughter and joking remarks only to make it seem ok but it fact it wasn’t. I hated it. The fact that I wasn’t given a chance, that I keep on pretending I am ok that everything is all right. I wanted to tell you. Of all the people why you. I still cant bring myself to hate you. Nor a hint of dislike. Because I knew that it wasn’t your fault but mine. Now I am trying to turn things around. Blind myself to everything, forget it ever happened. But reality is inescapable as you would put it. Guess this is it, I feel a whole lot better because I was able to put this into writing. I am just growing up as you. I have yet to find out what I have to do with my life as would you. In the end I guess we weren’t meant to be as I had pictured in my mind. But I am still glad we can be friends. That is a fact.

Who knows what the future holds for each one of us.